What is wrong with me? October 10, 2011

You know how one thing leads to another and pretty soon you’re doing something you never intended to do, but there you are?  I went in my closet this afternoon to put away a shirt.  I’ve got this “thing,” and I rarely wear the same top twice to work over the course of a school year.  Don’t ask.  I’d probably have to post that in my “Why I’m Like This” category and frankly, I don’t know why I’m like this.  Anyway, I usually just keep track of what I’ve worn in my head but with my head becoming fuller and fuller of both useful and useless information, I decided that perhaps I’d put shirts I’ve worn in a special section of my closet instead of mucking up my memory with that particular information.  But.  I have this other “thing” that compels me to keep my closet organized by color and sleeve length, and putting clothes I’ve worn in another part of the closet messes up my plans.  What to do, what to do.  Wait a minute!  Since my closet is actually a bedroom that I’ve installed (well, in the interest of honesty and full disclosure, HAD installed by my husband, son, and father), there’s another closet in there that has doors on it, so maybe I can put clothes I’ve worn in there without having to see the shirts that are now out of place on the color spectrum.  Of course as I begin to put shirts in there, I’ll keep them color-coded but for the time being, I just need to store them out of sight.  So, I open the closet door to discover that the closet is already filled with clothes that I apparently put out of sight–and out of mind–at some point.

I could have just shut the door and come up with Plan B, but I didn’t; I’m nothing if not persistent.  And now you see how one thing led to another because in order to enact my plan, I first had to empty the closet.  I don’t know why the clothes in the closet were there; they were all winter clothes, so perhaps I put them in there last winter.  In fact, I’m quite sure that’s what happened since I know that a clothes fairy did not come in and move my clothes around.   Now that it’s getting close to winter, I may need those clothes again anyway, so I’m glad I found them.  Let the shuffling begin.  Winter clothes have to be moved to the appropriate spot in the main closet (by color and sleeve-length, remember) while clothes I’ve worn to work (plus anything out of season) gets moved into the out-of-sight closet.  Remember that I never intended to do this today.  In the first place, I had forgotten about the winter clothes that were in the closet and in the second place, I was just putting up one shirt from the laundry.  But there I was, shuffling my spring and winter wardrobe about when it became apparent that I have a problem.

If it’s not bad enough that I’ve forgotten about an entire winter’s wardrobe, I also discovered at least a dozen (I suspect there are more, but I finally just decided I had had enough of myself) brand new items.  Tags still on.  Never been worn.  I should make a rule for myself that I will not buy any new clothes until I have worn everything that is currently in my closet(s).  I should also quit with the one-time-to-school rule.  I thought perhaps I should go with a uniform of some sort–a Monday outfit, a Tuesday outfit, and so on.  Then I remembered that thou shalt not should on thyself and wondered what type of activity I could pursue in which one thing would not lead to another.  I hate to go to bed at 5:30 in the afternoon, but I guess that’s what I’m left with.  What is wrong with me?

I did it! October 7, 2011

I opened the box.  I went through it.  I made some decisions.

That’s only the beginning, though, and now the work begins.  I’ve done a little research (very little research–probably should have done more of it before I committed to this!), and the general consensus seems to be that this project on which I’ve embarked (am about to embark?) takes about 15 hours a week–oh my gosh, do I have 15 extra hours a week?  I guess it doesn’t matter–I have to do it, so I’ll do it.  I’ve managed to get through my life up to this point by doing what I have to do, so I guess I’ll be able to do this, too.

I’ve printed out some of the pages from the DVD that was in the box, and I have every intention of going through those papers very soon and trying to put together a plan of action.  I’ve started keeping track of my interactions with parents because one of the forms is for that very purpose; I figure that’s as good a place as any to begin.  So I guess I’ve begun.

I know very well that hope is not a plan, so I’m not just hoping I’ll do well.  I know I need a specific plan to get through this, so that’s the next thing on my list o’ things to do:  Look over the stuff in the now-opened box and create a to-do list.  I operate from lists, always have, so just the process of creating a list will help me to get my head around the things I’m going to need to accomplish over the course of the next several months.  Here’s to making and following a plan!

Scarlett O’Hara Syndrome October 3, 2011

“I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” –Scarlett O’Hara, Gone With the Wind

I’m not sure what has to happen to call something a “syndrome,” but I think I’m onto something here, and I’m very hopeful that some of the stuff I’m not getting accomplished waits for me in my next lifetime.  Or maybe I don’t because maybe that’s my problem now.  All of the stuff I was supposed to accomplish in my last lifetime (or 20) just piled up into this lifetime’s list o’ things to do, and now I’m so far behind I might never catch up.  Or maybe I’ll lap myself on this life’s track and miraculously be caught up.  There’s a plan.  Wait a minute.  I always tell my students that hope is not a plan, so I guess I should put my money where my mouth is.

Here’s an illustration of the current state of my affairs:  Within my sight is a box.  That box came in the mail on Wednesday, September 28; today is Monday, October 3.  Not a week yet.  Anyway, the box says, “Urgent!  Immediate Attention Required.”  Yeah.  I know.  I know what’s in the box, but I don’t want to open it.  I’m afraid to open it.  I don’t know if I’m ready to take that next step and if I open it, I have to get started on what’s in it.  See, I applied for and was accepted into the National Board Certification process, and now I need to get started on it.  I don’t know why I’m so nervous about this–I know I can do it intellectually.  I’m just not ready to make the commitment.  And once I open the box, I’m committed.

The crazy thing is that I’m committed anyway.  I’ve paid my money, I’ve applied for the scholarship, and it’s a done deal.  If I back out, I lose my deposit (gulp–$565)–no exceptions on that.  It’s a done deal, and I have to do it.  I’m not really sure why I’m dragging my feet on opening that box, but there it sits.

I need a plan, so here it is:  I have some time on Wednesday afternoon at work.  I’m taking the box to work and will open it then and take the next steps.  It’s time, and waiting a week somehow seems appropriate.  Don’t ask why–I can’t make sense of it.  The River of Denial has some amazing properties that lead people to justify their actions, or lack thereof, in some crazy ways.  At this point in my life, as long as I get to that box by Wednesday, all will be well.