“I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” –Scarlett O’Hara, Gone With the Wind
I’m not sure what has to happen to call something a “syndrome,” but I think I’m onto something here, and I’m very hopeful that some of the stuff I’m not getting accomplished waits for me in my next lifetime. Or maybe I don’t because maybe that’s my problem now. All of the stuff I was supposed to accomplish in my last lifetime (or 20) just piled up into this lifetime’s list o’ things to do, and now I’m so far behind I might never catch up. Or maybe I’ll lap myself on this life’s track and miraculously be caught up. There’s a plan. Wait a minute. I always tell my students that hope is not a plan, so I guess I should put my money where my mouth is.
Here’s an illustration of the current state of my affairs: Within my sight is a box. That box came in the mail on Wednesday, September 28; today is Monday, October 3. Not a week yet. Anyway, the box says, “Urgent! Immediate Attention Required.” Yeah. I know. I know what’s in the box, but I don’t want to open it. I’m afraid to open it. I don’t know if I’m ready to take that next step and if I open it, I have to get started on what’s in it. See, I applied for and was accepted into the National Board Certification process, and now I need to get started on it. I don’t know why I’m so nervous about this–I know I can do it intellectually. I’m just not ready to make the commitment. And once I open the box, I’m committed.
The crazy thing is that I’m committed anyway. I’ve paid my money, I’ve applied for the scholarship, and it’s a done deal. If I back out, I lose my deposit (gulp–$565)–no exceptions on that. It’s a done deal, and I have to do it. I’m not really sure why I’m dragging my feet on opening that box, but there it sits.
I need a plan, so here it is: I have some time on Wednesday afternoon at work. I’m taking the box to work and will open it then and take the next steps. It’s time, and waiting a week somehow seems appropriate. Don’t ask why–I can’t make sense of it. The River of Denial has some amazing properties that lead people to justify their actions, or lack thereof, in some crazy ways. At this point in my life, as long as I get to that box by Wednesday, all will be well.
